Regarding commitments

Listening to: Emiliana Torini

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Summer has changed everything.  I'm still trying to figure out if it's changed me.  It has most definitely given me certain unpleasant, or pleasant revelations depending on how you look at things.  I'm not going back to school in San Francisco, and my parents have played some sort of mind trick that has made me unsure as to whether or not the decision was mine or theirs.  Now I have to live with them, while attending a small private Christian university in Orange County that I, in one hundred million years, would probably never choose for myself.  I think I'll miss San Francisco, and I'll miss wearing flowers in my hair, and long days of nothing but dancing and smoking in the park, and intentionally getting lost in the city, and people watching in the touristy areas, and chatting over coffee with liberal extremists, and wearing long coats, and rainy days with rain boots and umbrellas.   Fuck.  I'm really going to miss that city. 

I thought I was staying in Orange County because the good here outweighed the good there.  I don't know what I want anymore.  To top off whatever confusion there is in my life, upon discovery of my plans, the two men in my life have suddenly decided they both want a relationship.  One of the boys is my best friend, Shayne, who I've known for over a year.  We began dating with no commitment on our second encounter.  It's remained the same for that long, but the feelings have gotten stronger.  Then there's the second guy, Sean, who I've known for less than a year.  I finally allowed him to take me out at some point in January.  Since then, he's fallen hard.  Now they are both pushing the commitment thing.  The difficult part is the fact that they don't know about each other.  I guess the only thing to do is wait for this to blow up in my face.  I'm not willing to give either up.

To top it all off, my best friend of six years.  Someone with whom I've traveled, attended family functions, and lived at school is having surgery in 2 weeks to have a tumor removed from her skull.  I am freaking out of my fucking mind.  She is literally (this is not an exaggeration of any sort) my only female friend.  She has to shave her waist-length hair and have her forehead pulled from the bone for the operation.  I don't know what to do.  I'm not very good at dealing with deep issues.  

 I just want to move far far away from all of this, but I can't.  I have to be here for my parents, for the boys, and most importantly, for Lauren.  So, at the end of all of this- when my parents finally become aware of my questionable lifestyle, when Sean and Shayne find out about each other, when Lauren doesn't wind up dead and heals, and essentially, when I am free to part from all of my current commitments, I am gone.  It's called a fresh start, dear friends, and I will have my way someday. 

Leelove

"People need to be made more aware of the need to work at learning how to live because life is so quick and sometimes it goes away too quickly."

-Andy Warhol