I Always Speak Too Soon.

Shayne broke up with me.  Today.  He says he wants to be selfish and get his life to where he wants it before devoting himself to a committed relationship.

So in the course of a morning, I lost my first boyfriend, first love, and best friend. 

Is this what heartbreak feels like? Because it fucking Hurts.  

Leelove

"I really feel that I'm losing my best friend.  I can't believe this could be the end... Don't speak! I know just what you're saying.  So please stop explaining.  Don't tell me cause it hurts."

-No Doubt

Love Stinks

Listening to: Damien Rice

School has started.  It's been a reality check, of sorts.  I've realized many things about myself that I desperately want and need to change, but these necessary changes are nothing short of mortifying.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  It's like bits and pieces of me have been lost on this wretched journey, improperly titled: Growing Up.  Apparently, I'm no good at this.  In fact, I've come to find myself even more naive toward and terrified about life than ever.  

I find myself in love with my best friend, remember him? Shayne.  He doesn't know, of course.  But we are a couple now.  I broke up with the other guy, Sean.  So Shayne is my first monogamous relationship.  I am his third.  The last two relationships he's had lasted 3+ years.  I know he does not love me, or at least, not in the way I want him to.  I feel wretched and alone in the relationship.  Since we gave ourselves the burdensome title, there has been nothing but conflict and a lack of communication.  I know that he is not right for me.  He is a terrible influence, and our theologies differ in the worst of ways.  I doubt he will ever feel as strongly for me as I do for him, which is agony in itself.   I can't help but wonder how the hell I wound up falling in love for the first time with someone who I can never have any real future with.   It's so hard to be with him, but I think it would be much worse without him.  

Lastly, and most significantly, Lauren is okay.  They got the tumor out completely.  She is recovering.  Despite the location of the tumor, she looks even better than before.  They didn't even shave her entire head, which I suppose sounds weird.  But the scaring will be minimal, just a slit across the top of her head-ear to ear.  I know that it's still a big deal, but I'm so relieved.  

It could have been so much worse.

Leelove

Wizard of Oz: "As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a hear.  You don't know how lucky you are not to have one.  Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

Tinman: "But I still want one."

-The Wizard of Oz

Regarding commitments

Listening to: Emiliana Torini

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Summer has changed everything.  I'm still trying to figure out if it's changed me.  It has most definitely given me certain unpleasant, or pleasant revelations depending on how you look at things.  I'm not going back to school in San Francisco, and my parents have played some sort of mind trick that has made me unsure as to whether or not the decision was mine or theirs.  Now I have to live with them, while attending a small private Christian university in Orange County that I, in one hundred million years, would probably never choose for myself.  I think I'll miss San Francisco, and I'll miss wearing flowers in my hair, and long days of nothing but dancing and smoking in the park, and intentionally getting lost in the city, and people watching in the touristy areas, and chatting over coffee with liberal extremists, and wearing long coats, and rainy days with rain boots and umbrellas.   Fuck.  I'm really going to miss that city. 

I thought I was staying in Orange County because the good here outweighed the good there.  I don't know what I want anymore.  To top off whatever confusion there is in my life, upon discovery of my plans, the two men in my life have suddenly decided they both want a relationship.  One of the boys is my best friend, Shayne, who I've known for over a year.  We began dating with no commitment on our second encounter.  It's remained the same for that long, but the feelings have gotten stronger.  Then there's the second guy, Sean, who I've known for less than a year.  I finally allowed him to take me out at some point in January.  Since then, he's fallen hard.  Now they are both pushing the commitment thing.  The difficult part is the fact that they don't know about each other.  I guess the only thing to do is wait for this to blow up in my face.  I'm not willing to give either up.

To top it all off, my best friend of six years.  Someone with whom I've traveled, attended family functions, and lived at school is having surgery in 2 weeks to have a tumor removed from her skull.  I am freaking out of my fucking mind.  She is literally (this is not an exaggeration of any sort) my only female friend.  She has to shave her waist-length hair and have her forehead pulled from the bone for the operation.  I don't know what to do.  I'm not very good at dealing with deep issues.  

 I just want to move far far away from all of this, but I can't.  I have to be here for my parents, for the boys, and most importantly, for Lauren.  So, at the end of all of this- when my parents finally become aware of my questionable lifestyle, when Sean and Shayne find out about each other, when Lauren doesn't wind up dead and heals, and essentially, when I am free to part from all of my current commitments, I am gone.  It's called a fresh start, dear friends, and I will have my way someday. 

Leelove

"People need to be made more aware of the need to work at learning how to live because life is so quick and sometimes it goes away too quickly."

-Andy Warhol

The World, as I See It.

Listening to:  Laura Marling

Thoughts on the world

• Kobe Bryant can rape whomever he wants.  I'd like someone to show me a female who isn't willing to spread her legs for a basketball god. 
• Why is everyone so adamant about following these presidential elections?  Our country/world is going to go up in flames soon, anyway.  Hillary or Obama? We either get a woman dealing with war and answering the phone at 3 in the morning, which I'm sorry, is bullshit.  The other option is a too charming, militarily unprepared man with childish dreams.  Awesome.
• Regarding American Idol... Jason Castro made dreadlocks sexy.  The only people who will actually purchase David Archuleta's album are thirteen year old girls, or middle age women who buy the album for their thirteen year old daughters. 
• Global warming is harming Orange County weather, which is devastating.  But does anyone honestly believe that we can save the Earth this late in the game? No, not really.
• When ridiculously intelligent people are also arrogant pricks, they are disliked.  Not envied. 
• Cereal is more satisfying at midnight than 7 in the morning. 
• You should be embarrassed to have a recreational MySpace, but it's better to have one than to stalk people anonymously.  
• The female sex has the tendency to indulge in drama and dwell on petty bullshit, and it gets old.  Really fast. 
• Sex is better than any other human form of exercise.  There is no room for disagreement.  
• Tom Leykis is a bitter asshole, but at times, he's pretty clever and funny. 
• George W. could have taken any action possible after Sept. 11, and America would still grow to despise him.
• Country musicians do have talent.
• Why do people think the "emo" or "scene" look works?  It doesn't work.  Stop that. 

Leelove

"Shit is the tofu of cursing"

-David Sedaris

An Unfortunate Realization

Listening to: Portishead

Today I've had a somewhat unfortunate realization.  Two nights ago, in all of my excitement for life and writing, I began this absolutely magnificent blog.  Unfortunately, I hadn't yet realized that the blog community is full of people with some sort of preternatural ability to glamorously accessorize their pages.  What's more tragic is that I have no desire to make my page look like a virtual art gallery or restaurant menu.  In fact, I like the simplicity.  Read my words.  Fall in love with me.  Go ahead.  Cap ou pas cap?

A few years back, my 4 friends and I watched a French film called Love Me if You Dare.  It soon became a very large part of all our lives.  After years of incessant petty arguments and emotional immaturity, a simple game of Cap ou Pas Cap? changed everything.  It brought us back together, in that way that only a some unexpected event can change things.  Fortunately for us, this event was not a death or a big move.  It was a typical movie night and a new stolen spoon.  

If you haven't seen the movie, the general basis is two lifelong friends and a never-ending game of Dare or Not, or Cap ou Pas Cap?  Well our version of the game began at a restaurant in Balboa (a beach town in Orange County), where we were dining after having watched the movie.  We discussed the movie excitedly up until dessert, when someone declared that we must partake in the bold game.  The only thing missing was a pawn--something to pass around from darer to daree (after their successful completion of the dare, of course).  So we stole a spoon from the restaurant, and our game began.

It started with little, silly things, such as grab that guy's ass or stand on that table and pretend to be looking for someone for a few minutes.  It got a little bolder with sit on that man's lap for as long as he'll let you, and go into the middle of the bonfire pits and belt out in song.  There were many other dares to come, but unfortunately, the game came to a standstill.  

The reason behind my telling this story is that the spoon was brought up in conversation today with one of my old friends.  The 5 of us haven't spent time together since around the time of our game's death.   I'm genuinely excited for this reuniting and new round of dares.  I know that over the duration of the past couple of years, we have all gotten ten times bolder, ten times craftier, and ten times crazier.  

Summer begins, at least for me, in one week.

Let's see what happens.

Leelove

"Sophie was back in the game! Pure, raw, explosive pleasure! Better than drugs, better than smack! Better than a dope-coke-crack-fit-shit-shoot-sniff-ganja-marijuana-blotter-acid-ecstasy! Better than sex, head, 69, orgies, masturbation, tantrism, Kama Sutra, or Thai doggy-style! Better than banana milkshakes! Better than George Lucas's trilogy, the muppets and 2001! Better than Emma Peel, Marilyn, Lara Croft and Cindy Crawford's beauty mark! Better than the B-side to Abbey Road, Jimi Hendrix and the first man on the moon! Space Mountain, Santa Claus, Bill Gates' fortune, the Dalai Lama, Lazarus raised from the dead! Schwarzenegger's testosterone  shots, Pam Anderson's lips! Woodstock, raves... Better than Sade, Rimbaud, Morrison and Castaneda! Better than freeson, better than life!"

-Love Me if You Dare

The First Taste

Listening to: Jamie Cullum 

Hello new friends,

Because this is my first blog, let me tell you about myself. You can call me Leelove.  I was raised in Orange County, but I currently reside amongst the beautiful hysteria of San Francisco.  I love the city, but I miss warm weather, the beach, and my dog.  I don't make plans, but I do have hopes.  I hope to write in the entertainment industry, maybe a magazine or for films.  I believe in music and its power to impact individual lives, mine included.  My favorite movies of all time are Pulp Fiction and Breakfast at Tiffany's.  I love reading, especially the bizarre humor of David Sedaris.  I believe that you should try everything at least once.  It's better to regret doing something than to regret passing up a rare or random opportunity.  

I am just finishing up my freshmen year at USF.  This year has been full of incredible, unexpected changes, and I have been recording all of my new experiences, among other things, in my journal along the way.  So I finally decided that continuing to keep my writing solely to myself would be a silly, selfish act.  So welcome to my life and my mind.  Enjoy the poetry, fiction, reality, pessimism, boredom, happiness, excitement, stupidity, melodrama, cynicism, depth, sadness, music, and love that make up my life. I know I'll enjoy sharing.  

Leelove 

"When shit brings you down, just say fuck it, and eat yourself some motherfucking candy."

   -Me Talk Pretty One Day