I Always Speak Too Soon.

Shayne broke up with me.  Today.  He says he wants to be selfish and get his life to where he wants it before devoting himself to a committed relationship.

So in the course of a morning, I lost my first boyfriend, first love, and best friend. 

Is this what heartbreak feels like? Because it fucking Hurts.  

Leelove

"I really feel that I'm losing my best friend.  I can't believe this could be the end... Don't speak! I know just what you're saying.  So please stop explaining.  Don't tell me cause it hurts."

-No Doubt

Love Stinks

Listening to: Damien Rice

School has started.  It's been a reality check, of sorts.  I've realized many things about myself that I desperately want and need to change, but these necessary changes are nothing short of mortifying.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  It's like bits and pieces of me have been lost on this wretched journey, improperly titled: Growing Up.  Apparently, I'm no good at this.  In fact, I've come to find myself even more naive toward and terrified about life than ever.  

I find myself in love with my best friend, remember him? Shayne.  He doesn't know, of course.  But we are a couple now.  I broke up with the other guy, Sean.  So Shayne is my first monogamous relationship.  I am his third.  The last two relationships he's had lasted 3+ years.  I know he does not love me, or at least, not in the way I want him to.  I feel wretched and alone in the relationship.  Since we gave ourselves the burdensome title, there has been nothing but conflict and a lack of communication.  I know that he is not right for me.  He is a terrible influence, and our theologies differ in the worst of ways.  I doubt he will ever feel as strongly for me as I do for him, which is agony in itself.   I can't help but wonder how the hell I wound up falling in love for the first time with someone who I can never have any real future with.   It's so hard to be with him, but I think it would be much worse without him.  

Lastly, and most significantly, Lauren is okay.  They got the tumor out completely.  She is recovering.  Despite the location of the tumor, she looks even better than before.  They didn't even shave her entire head, which I suppose sounds weird.  But the scaring will be minimal, just a slit across the top of her head-ear to ear.  I know that it's still a big deal, but I'm so relieved.  

It could have been so much worse.

Leelove

Wizard of Oz: "As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a hear.  You don't know how lucky you are not to have one.  Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

Tinman: "But I still want one."

-The Wizard of Oz